This Town Needs Guns

Wooooooooo!

Barcelona

After yet another colossal drive we finally made it to Barcelona, where we met Jordi (promoter) and the guys from Ulysses. After soundcheck, we had food in a nice sports-bar, but the menu may as well have just been crayon drawings of flying fish and a goat called Jizzy Lemonstage. None of us can read/write/speak Spanish so it was a bit of a chore. It sounds completely lame of us but the only Spanish we could muster was HOLA and QUANDO! QUANDO!.

The venue was so smokey that Tim’s eye started to weep like a horrified Ukrainian cobbler. The stage was really high up in this venue and we met an awesome guy from Mexico who was studying in Barcelona named Tona. He didn’t speak much english but was smiling and generally a very positive young man, he is the first official Mexican This Town Needs Guns fan who has been to see us live. Ulysses were great and sang really nice harmonies and played some very decent songs. We later learned that they had been a full band until two weeks previous to the gig and the drummer had turned his hand to playing the guitar and melodica.

We hit Las Ramblas where Tim was grabbed by an 8ft tall Nigerian transexual hooker in the street as we frantically searched for a bar to rest in for a post-show cerveza. Some one said to me ‘you want the ‘ashhhhh no?’ I declined. We were staying in a hostel which had several more hookers turning tricks in the street. It would’ve been okay if they were visually arresting but they appeared to share common charecteristics with a herd of wild boar, shuffling around and grunting.

The following day we walked around Barcelona looking for somewhere to deposit our cash again. No luck. We went to an Italian restaurant which was overpriced and we felt slightly like the sneezing waiter was mimicking a bird eating spider and making a web around our monies.

QUANDO! QUANDO!

Bordeaux

On arrival at Bordeaux we drove over a HUUUUUGE bridge and all the buildings we passed looked amazing. We were staying at a girlfriend of Heliport’s apartment and she’d cooked us a fine meal before the gig. The venue was under a bar and the narrow spiral staircase was a completely unforgiving bitch to take our cabs and amplifiers down. We sat in the bar and a local tried to tell me a joke about ducks and quacking, it was something like ‘Five ducks walk in to a bar, the first duck has a lemonade, the second has orangeade, the third and fourth have coffee and the fifth got a taxi to an onion patch in Texas.’ Don’t ask.

There was a local who looked like Mac (the sound guy in Oxford) and was jumping around and biting his finger at me for some unknown reason. We didn’t play to many people but we still had a great time as it was Stu’s birthday and we all sang happy birthday. The guys from Heliport did a great job of clapping to And I’ll Tell You For Why, the likes of which I have never witnessed before, this made me very happy!

A member of the Audience: “SEND THE STEAK”

[Confusion from Team This Town Needs Guns]

It was a literal translation of a French proverb akin to ‘Give it some stick’…much hilarity ensued.

It was sad to leave the following morning because JF (Jeff/ Geoff) and the rest of Heliport had been such fine hosts. We scoured Bordeaux, like we’d scoured the rest of Europe for a bank which would allow us to pay in the money we’d accumulated from the shows we’d played. Unfortunately none seemed interested in us depositing money. We were away from the van for about twenty minutes, in which time we were given a parking ticket. Bummer!

We were supposed to be playing the BSM showcase today in Brighton. Unfortunately Chris (drummer) tried drumming for the first time since his operation last month. Needless to say, he discovered that he was in a lot of pain. We couldn’t realistically play today, so last night we pulled out. We’re all really gutted. Please go check out the other bands today if you’re in Brighton. They’re all really great.

Rennes

Rennes was funkalicious. I bought some batteries and walked around a market square similar to Gloucester Green in Oxford. There were people who could tell I wasn’t a vampire, I think it is something to do with my pulse. Anyway it was a bit 28 Days Later and I worried that I may get bitten. Rennes is a beautiful place and if you get a chance you should go there and visit ‘URBAN Phil’ - I am told he wears yogurt pots instead of sunglasses and has an inversed mohawk.

We had a couple of interview style things from some people posing as British Gas, not really. BUT! Yes, we had some nice cake and answered questions, drew pictures and talked general nonsense.

The character Creative David became ever more talked about; we had been inventing extra members of This Town Needs Guns: Urban Phil, Oleg the Serbian, Whacky Jack and his Spindly Fuzz Piano, Luigi Smith, Tony Bolony (born from Tony Calamari [see Wiesbaden]). Anyway they effectively made us a 20 piece rock outfit.

The gig was pretty good fun, the venue was small but perfectly formed, like a froglet. The crowd consisted of a Canadian, some French and a sewing machine. We met a french version of Micheal Barry.

We stayed and drank for a while and gave some of the people whom had interviewed us a lift home. Heliport were awesome this evening. We went to the Woofy House which is where a few of Heliport lived and they had a deaf jack russell called… any guesses?? WOOFY.

Lorient

After 11 hours on the road we finally made it to Lorient at around 11pm. I entered the bar and heard from the stage ‘IT’S THIS TOWN NEEDS GUNS’ there was a huge roar of approval and we managed to catch the last three songs of Heliport’s set. It was exciting to see them as we were set to spend the next three days together. We had to use all of their backline (to save time on changeover) and played a rather rushed set. There was a very friendly bald tattooed drunk who shouted a lot of things wearing Elias’ denim vest, or at least a very similar one. He left partly through our set, not because he didn’t like it, but I think he needed to purge his stomach as he was looking rather worse for wear.

Everyone was so nice to us, despite our lateness and we were given ‘Calamari Ameriquen’ for dinner which was very tasty indeed. I slept in what looked like a crack den; it was a narrow room much like the underneath cupboard of a staircase with a single mattress in it, still, it was a good night of sleep.

The following day we visited the beach and it was a lovely windy day with many kites flying above us. Lunch for me was pretty salty; I had a pizza which had about twelve anchovies in a nice pattern on it.

Luxembourg

This had all of the hallmarks of a classic from the first mention of playing in Luxembourg. We arrived at the venue and parked in the middle of a tourists’ photograph opportunity hotstop, thus making it virtually impossible to take a photo of a rather beautiful Luxembourgish city scape, without having our yellow van obstructing the view. Still you could argue that it is a postmodern take on how although we’ve ruined the view, without transport the tourists wouldn’t be there, thus balancing out our little misdemeanor. Today we played with Swedish Mario look-a-like, Elias (and the Whizzkids). He even whistled the theme tune to Super Mario World during soundcheck (which was nice) and had a bag which was red with white spots which looked like a mushroom from the game…though dissapointingly there were no Goombers and Bowser had taken the day off. Elias and the Whizzkids played a kind of pleasant acoustic pop and were a good natured bunch of chaps.

When it was time for us to play, we got a great reception from the crowd. It was a really fun gig and although it was possibly the hottest gig we’ve done for a while, it went very well indeed. We hung around after the set and spoke to people at the bar. It was nice to see again some of Miaow Miaow and Mutiny On The Bounty, who (I’d forgotten to mention) also made it to our show in Belgium the night before.

I went on a late night tour of Luxembourg courtesy of David, who speaks 6 languages. Anyway, I was told of a bridge named after a mermaid who assumed a more human biometry during a full moon and some guy fell in love with her. I can’t quite remember and Elias gave me a small pouch of tobacco to put under my lip, he swore by it. Load out the next morning was difficult. Stu had gone to Luxembourg’s main Cathedral as it was Easter Sunday. Elias was wearing a rather fetching armless denim jacket, he bought it in Berlin. Phillipe and Guillaume helped us pack the van and then after some breakfast we left on a gargantuan journey spanning the full breadth of France.